Bayit

A Bayit for those of you who don't know is home. It is described best by Jacob the patriarch. He used it as describing the holiest place on earth. He insisted that challenge and solitude require the support of a home for success. Now, I agree with this story. All morning I have been asking myself, Where is home? I don't even know anymore. I thought it was the place that I grew up but when I visited just recently that house did not carry it's meaning to me anymore. It seems as though I have lost my home. I don't know where it is anymore. I am feeling very depressed, almost like I am lost. It's not a good feeling and going to sleep would probably make it all go away but I am at work and can not do that. So I continue to think, Where is my home? Why have I lost it? It seems as though when my dad's house burnt down I lost all feeling of home without even realizing it. Recently Chris and I went to Florida on our way back home we stopped in Alabama. While in Florida I went to my childhood home of several years where I spent my time walking down the paths of life. This home has changed so much in the past years since my family has moved away. The house no longer carried that family feeling for me. I was saddened by this finding but let it go. To me I still had a home in Alabama. When we got into Alabama it was a breath of fresh air. I felt nearly home again. But when I turned onto that dirt raod, I was scared when I remembered the trailer I grew up in had burned to the frame. There was nothing left. My dad had to go get a new one. It sat in the old yellow 3 bedroom trailers spot. This was a beautiful trailer and already felt like home to my dad, his wife and my younger siblings. But sadly it was at that moment that I felt home disappear. I had no home. I have a house to live in but no real home. I don't like the feeling of losing my home. I didn't realize it quite so deeply until this morning when I began thinking more and more. I am sure once Chris and I have the baby and are in a house by ourselves I may feel that feeling of home return but to me, I have no place to call home. I am sorry for sounding so depressed but that is all I can think about today.