Bayit

A Bayit for those of you who don't know is home. It is described best by Jacob the patriarch. He used it as describing the holiest place on earth. He insisted that challenge and solitude require the support of a home for success. Now, I agree with this story. All morning I have been asking myself, Where is home? I don't even know anymore. I thought it was the place that I grew up but when I visited just recently that house did not carry it's meaning to me anymore. It seems as though I have lost my home. I don't know where it is anymore. I am feeling very depressed, almost like I am lost. It's not a good feeling and going to sleep would probably make it all go away but I am at work and can not do that. So I continue to think, Where is my home? Why have I lost it? It seems as though when my dad's house burnt down I lost all feeling of home without even realizing it. Recently Chris and I went to Florida on our way back home we stopped in Alabama. While in Florida I went to my childhood home of several years where I spent my time walking down the paths of life. This home has changed so much in the past years since my family has moved away. The house no longer carried that family feeling for me. I was saddened by this finding but let it go. To me I still had a home in Alabama. When we got into Alabama it was a breath of fresh air. I felt nearly home again. But when I turned onto that dirt raod, I was scared when I remembered the trailer I grew up in had burned to the frame. There was nothing left. My dad had to go get a new one. It sat in the old yellow 3 bedroom trailers spot. This was a beautiful trailer and already felt like home to my dad, his wife and my younger siblings. But sadly it was at that moment that I felt home disappear. I had no home. I have a house to live in but no real home. I don't like the feeling of losing my home. I didn't realize it quite so deeply until this morning when I began thinking more and more. I am sure once Chris and I have the baby and are in a house by ourselves I may feel that feeling of home return but to me, I have no place to call home. I am sorry for sounding so depressed but that is all I can think about today.

The beginning

I figured I would set up a blog that explains my life so far. My parents were separated when I was about 4. I lived with my mom until I was 13 when I decided to move in with my dad. I was still a kid back then, I had a lot to learn. I met a guy I thought I loved, looking back now in some ways I know I did love him. It just wasn't the way I should. My mom came to my dads house one day to take me back. It was a week before my junior year was to start. I was 16 and mad. I knew she did it to take control of a situation that was getting out of hand but I was still mad. I continued dating that guy until he called me to break up. He broke my heart but I knew it was time. I gave him another chance but we just weren't meant to be and we knew it. We officially ended right after graduation in 2006. I finally felt like I was free! Like I could spread my wings and fly. Shortly after we broke up I met Chris. He was a friend of a friend and he stole my heart immediately. Chris had just ended a relationship and was broken from it. He knew what I was going through and didn't try to rush into a relationship. We became the go-to person for each other. One night before we even started dating he took me back to his house after playing pool to get my car and go home, it didn't happen that way. We stood in his driveway for several hours just talking. We didn't realize how late it was until the sun came up. It was one of my favorite memories to this day. Shortly after that we started dating. I was his from the beginning. Not much happened after we started dating. We grew closer and closer together and eventually moved in together. December of 2007 Chris asked me to marry him. Much to his surprise I said yes. We decided to move from sunny Florida to just south of the twin cities in 2008. We finally said our vows on October 2nd 2009. Just few short months later we got the best news ever. We are pregnant. We are both pretty excited about being parents. Chris is the kind of guy to get so excited that he kisses on my belly and holds it all of the time. Once we have the baby I am hoping to go back to school and become a paramedic. We are also hoping Chris will become a stay at home dad. Which would make both of us happier. That is basically what has happened up to this point although a lot more has happened that is the major points of my life.